The general matters of the bottomless pit before the "open heart" surgery by the Great physician ... much much darkness and falling even unto death ...as the bottomless pit is ...no man can survive it by his own doing ...only our Father and the Lord Jesus can save us from the pit.
Instead of bringing my troubles to the Lord, hardness of heart and lack of faith put the case in the belief of the world...I hoped in worldly things; I thought "things"of the world would bring me peace...peace of mind, heart or spirit. Big mistake! I lost everything I had. Lost the job, the house, the savings, the retirement, the wife, the cars, trucks, toy machines, tools and all. There are still bills to be paid. All gone but the kids, they were troubled, I tried to see them every day, they still loved their dad (God given endearment).
Not at the bottom yet. I got a part time job, moved into a little apartment from an old motor home and set up for the Alaska winter wasn't far off. I was bitter, stiff necked, and more hateful, all I wanted is to be left alone.
Now, I started drinking, shooting pool and hanging out at the local bars. The atmosphere was just too passive, too sedate, bitterness gave birth to hate and violence and it was growing in me. I began search for the worst places I could find. (some places in Alaska are like Louisiana swamp bars) I got worse, consumed by hate and hopelessness, I began to search out a more and more violent life, not caring... hoping to die. I got tired of regular rowdy bars, bought a powerful motor cycle, carried a gun, and made my drunken 100 mph rounds to places were people did get shot occasionally. Many months into the Alaskan winter I finally, at a place where death sometimes visits, I thought all I had to do was keep showing up, waiting, for the right time. Soon it would all be over, this was the place. A shooting in the parking lot... just some punks, scaring each other. Fights to the edge of death...over serious matters, a lot of blood but not enough, most quit with severe wounds.
Then came the night of foreboding; the quietness of death, the angel of death, I had seen it before in the military. Death was here, a seriousness fell over the bar like a dark blanket, some how people knew. Watching, all are numb to the regular sounds. All of a sudden movements or sharp noises catch people, a quick glance, don't stare or it could come to you. Hours drone by, I get restless, something moves in me, I get up slowly. Walking around the bar tormented and hateful, most of the "hard cases" here see the shroud of death over me. They've been there before, they know: this ones gone "trip wire" and could go off any second... dead serious time... time to die. No takers...maybe if I wait. A stranger sits down by me, plays the hard core, but his fear shows, he is innocent, he shouldn't be in here. I look right through his eyes and tell him get the____ away from me. The innocent is scared of something, too scared, no longer playing the hard core... he leaves.
I found out later that someone was killed in the late hours of that night, was it the innocent? Probably...was he dancing with death as so many of us do? Why? Yet this incident made me think, why am I going through all this anguish just to end my life? Did I really hope to take one of the damned with me? No...just get it over with.
Time passed in the oblivion of the place, as the Alaska winter bore down on all. I grew more anxious to die and be out of the misery of this life. Finally, I resolve that determination is the only answer, and that I have to end my own life. With this I leave the bar and head to that quiet place ...where I can leave my life and the world forever. As I approached the motor home where I was abiding like a dog, I could see plainly my end, by my own hand. I was freezing daily for weeks in the old motor home. Times had gotten worse, I hadn't been able to see the kids for weeks. I was out of food, no money, and it had been 30 below for a week with no letup insight. With the wind blowing the motor home hadn't been above 15 degrees, even with the furnace on high. I had become so cold that even fully dressed and in an Arctic sleeping bag, nothing would get the chill out of my body. Now the propane wouldn't last the night and I really didn't care if I did either.
I then resolved all matters of my life to the finest degree and had given myself over to worldly justification. It was as if I didn't have a spirit of living any longer; my conscience didn't speak to me anymore. I checked the gun that it was loaded and sat back on the frozen bunk of the motor home. The barrel of the gun stung my mouth with the bite of the frost hard steel, as I positioned it for the explosion to take out my brain. As I cocked the hammer back and put my finger to the trigger a mighty thing came over me. Suddenly like the quiet after an explosion I found myself as though dead. Behold I saw my body laying there with demons tearing out my heart in a bloody mess. Yet there too was the Lord and I turned to him and said let them have my heart but please Lord save my soul. And then there was quietness, nothing, no dreams no stirring.
When I awoke something was different, very different, all was bright and sunny. The motor home was even warm and I felt the best I had felt ever ...even in the days of my youth. Most astounding was my thinking for it was clear and very comforting, yet what had happened I wondered? Yet I felt so good that I wanted to clean up, Oh ya ! Maybe even a sponge bath (I was using a public bathroom) and clean clothes. Oh man I feel good I thought as I entered the bathroom and locked the door. Whoa even the dingy bathroom was full of light and warm ...man I thought things are really different! Now as I brushed my teeth and began to undress my eye caught something in the mirror. My heart beat fast as I looked closer in the mirror ...then I saw it a whitened scar on my chest...right over my heart. Shaken and stunned I fell against the wall and slid to the floor naked and weeping inside. Oh Lord I cried out ...now I remember ...the demons took my heart ...that's why I feel so much peace ...I have now a worldly heart ...! Oh Jesus is that what this is ? At this I heard the Lord say " no I have given you a new heart" and I wept and wept till tears ran down my chest over the whitened scar....
From that day forth my life got better ...better each day by and by ...as it is even today I weep at the memory of the Lord helping me in my darkest of all hours ...
Then the Lord looked upon me and began to work his blessings. The first thing He showed me was; having half a heart for God is worse than no heart...because being half hearted we justify all worldly endeavors... by what little good that comes out of them..by our own thinking.
Back to Dream List